So after a long, but quickly-passing, sabbatical from real life, I'm in medical school. I'm here. I have all of my books, scrubs, stethoscope, and probe (yes, I have a probe). I moved from Chicago to a cornfield. Now that I'm in, I won't have to worry about failing out, just keeping up. It's 130 brand new people to meet and so far, I have to admit they're all pretty outstanding people. Maybe not all people I really want to be more than acquaintances of, but I have yet to meet a truly ugly person (like a politician). And I met a bunch of people who are more than just stumbling blindly on from undergrad. Most of them have really good reasons and ambitions to become physicians. I love it here.
During orientation, I heard the phrase "This may be the first time you aren't amongst the top in the class." Hah! Just another math and science school. It's not easy, but I'm getting down to studying already. There's so many positive things going on that I almost missed a blow to the gut.
And the weekend after I start, my ex got married.
Now, this wouldn't have normally phased me. Hell, I wouldn't have normally even noticed. But I have a profile on okCupid. I've had a profile on okCupid since it was created as an outshoot of sparknotes (I went to the same high school as the creator). Now, I don't always actively search for "matches". I'm not *really* looking for dating right now. I honestly am not sure where I'm living next year, believe it or not. It's just not a good idea. And you know me, the scientist; ever rational about love. Anyway, I do keep an eye on who views my profile. And it turns out that over the course of the month before he got married, my ex viewed my profile several times.
I'm not one for nostalgia, but it ended badly. And not due to any actions on my part, as far as I'm concerned. And him showing up on my list of stalkers really threw me for a loop. And the number 98% match was just kind of taunting me that I haven't yet seen that high of a match since we broke up over two and a half years ago. And before you think it, it wasn't just a number. We were pretty great together. Anyway, the thought hadn't crossed my mind in a very, very long time. So, what do I do? I investigate using the mighty detective power of the internets. I find out he's getting married. And that's when it turned from curiosity to creepy.
So I ask you: is it normal for guys to stalk ex-girlfriends(boyfriends?) just before they get married? I feel like some sort of skeeze has rubbed off on me from his internet stalking of me. And like I'm unwillingly part of some infidelity. Not to mention a little weird that I just looked up a dude getting married.
Most of all, I just wish he hadn't even done it. I was really hoping that really painful part of my life was over and I had moved on. Seeing his face there just opened a lot of old wounds that I'm vulnerable to due to a huge upheaval in my life.
I hope that it's all over now, though! Maybe I'll have seen the last of this dirtball!
Here's to hoping!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Catalyst
Well, not surprisingly I have procrastinated on the MCAT studying.
HOWEVER! I did take a practice MCAT and I got a 28, this is acceptable. Now, I just have to motivate myself in some other way than "Holy Crap! If I don't study, I'll get a 25!" Granted, not having that anxiety is nice. But I only have about 3 weeks of studying left. And that's not much when you work and have commitments every weekend until the test... And I *still* suck at organic chemistry to boot!
So, I have shifted my focus to trying to increase my verbal score. Because that is totally doable. That will take the pressure off of learning a lot of material in a short amount of time, and hopefully, significantly raise my test score.
So, in the spirit of studying, and ironically at the same time procastinating, here is a very interesting TED talk that I dearly love. http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html
Basically, the idea is that we need the motivation in our lives from within ourselves with autonomy to do it and master it. Sounds like the exact opposite of what my boss wants. Ugh.
HOWEVER! I did take a practice MCAT and I got a 28, this is acceptable. Now, I just have to motivate myself in some other way than "Holy Crap! If I don't study, I'll get a 25!" Granted, not having that anxiety is nice. But I only have about 3 weeks of studying left. And that's not much when you work and have commitments every weekend until the test... And I *still* suck at organic chemistry to boot!
So, I have shifted my focus to trying to increase my verbal score. Because that is totally doable. That will take the pressure off of learning a lot of material in a short amount of time, and hopefully, significantly raise my test score.
So, in the spirit of studying, and ironically at the same time procastinating, here is a very interesting TED talk that I dearly love. http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html
Basically, the idea is that we need the motivation in our lives from within ourselves with autonomy to do it and master it. Sounds like the exact opposite of what my boss wants. Ugh.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Existentialism on Prom Night
Things I need to do ASAP:
-ask the letter writers to write letters
Although this is not urgent, it's courteous to let them know as far ahead of time as possible. This also will increase my chances of getting the letter in on time.
-complete studying for Biology for the MCAT
-take a sample MCAT
-find a time daily to walk or jog for 30 minutes
-today, pick up bird bath
There's tons more, but this is what I will focus on for the moment.
-ask the letter writers to write letters
Although this is not urgent, it's courteous to let them know as far ahead of time as possible. This also will increase my chances of getting the letter in on time.
-complete studying for Biology for the MCAT
-take a sample MCAT
-find a time daily to walk or jog for 30 minutes
-today, pick up bird bath
There's tons more, but this is what I will focus on for the moment.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Fidelity
Today, I really don't have anything to philosophize on. Most of my thoughts are currently surrounding the concept of internet friendship, and how people actually just don't maintain face-to-face relationships in the way that they used to. I can't say for sure that this is a bad thing. It's just, plain and simple, different.
But, my thoughts are more or less scattered on the topic due to some bitter anger at my old friends. The real face-to-face kind of friends who all let me down in the wake of my ex stringing me up (some of them even helped him), and how the people I saw least were there for me the most.
In the age of superficiality, how are we supposed to determine who is on our side - who will be there when times are hard - and who is just a smiling face - a fair-weather friend? How do we really delve deep into the heart of a person friend or lover before needing that fidelity?
Today, I'll let you guys write the post. Because I'm out of answers on this topic.
But, my thoughts are more or less scattered on the topic due to some bitter anger at my old friends. The real face-to-face kind of friends who all let me down in the wake of my ex stringing me up (some of them even helped him), and how the people I saw least were there for me the most.
In the age of superficiality, how are we supposed to determine who is on our side - who will be there when times are hard - and who is just a smiling face - a fair-weather friend? How do we really delve deep into the heart of a person friend or lover before needing that fidelity?
Today, I'll let you guys write the post. Because I'm out of answers on this topic.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Still Alive
I'm not taking this personally. Honestly, I'm not. I don't even like politics that much. But the state of Illinois needs to clean up its act (permanently) and get over itself. Real people are getting hurt by political pandering.
For at least three years in a row - as far back as I've had the need to pay attention to this problem - the state has failed to pass a budget before the deadline. I'm sure some more astute political commentator could give you all of the reasons for this, including political infighting between Blago and his rivals or disagreements on tax hikes or cuts. But ultimately, this state is broken. So many political scandals have been going on in the past few decades in Illinois that no one knows where all of our money has gone, and right now is the absolute worst time for this house of cards to come crashing down on the citizens.
Previously, the budget had only been passed due to fixes and borrowed money from other programs - similar to the borrowing of money from our federal social security program in Washington D.C. What is ultimately wrong is that Illinois lawmakers couldn't balance our budget in times of prosperity! What did they think would happen in times when money is tight?
In my head I constantly wonder, "Why on earth are we paying these congressmen and women so much to do so little?" The threat of non-reelection apparently isn't actually threatening in Illinois given what it takes to get into office (ppst - it's money and political favors).
But to be fair, it's not entirely their fault. The tax system itself isn't an effective way of raising money for the state. When the people in the system are prosperous, the government has access to more money than it probably needs. It creates programs that help the unfortunate and funds them liberally. That makes sense. Spread the wealth, and everyone is a bit better off for it - let's just put aside the fact that not all of these programs work or actually achieve anything or sometimes do more harm than good.
But what happens when times are hard? The people fall on hard times. They make less money and need those services more. However, the government makes less money (because, after all, what are taxes other than a percentage cut off the top of what you make and buy?), and the demand for services outweighs their ability to pay for these services. Programs get cut, but people need them more. Does this make any sense to you? It sure doesn't to me, and it leads me to believe one thing - the tax system is broken.
When we first created the tax system, I'm sure it made sense to tax people based on a percentage of what we make or tax us based on things we buy based on how much those things cost. That's clearly the only fair way to do it. Taxing the poor more than they can afford makes no sense, and the current system creates more revenue from those who make the most and can afford it.
But the way state legislators use all (if not more) of our tax money every year seems to set up the entire state (and country) for disaster. Would a responsible citizen plan to use its entire paycheck every month? Of course not! Every responsible budgeteer knows that you keep some aside for the things you want. When you save up your money, you can afford to spend it later on something you can't afford right now. Sometimes this takes a few months (or years in this analogy), but in the end not everything is immediately affordable - and we've all seen what traps "credit" (aka, borrowing from foreign lenders) lures us into.
Now, I know I don't know exactly how the state budget is spent every year, but wouldn't it make sense to save up portions of tax dollars during fat years to use during times like these? Does the state really need to spend all of our money all of the time? And why can't they start to work out the budget earlier in the year to iron out the kinks before the deadline looms close and tempers flare?
Maybe they're doing what they can. All I know is that honest state workers and citizens are the ones getting hurt, and these people are the ones who can afford the political infighting the least.
I, for one, am afraid to sign a new lease for August. I couldn't afford it if my job disappears in the wake of the state budget being slashed nearly in half, and the job market looks less than promising with the throngs of people applying to every job they can. And what kind of support will I get once I am jobless if the state suddenly can't afford the large numbers of people drawing on unemployment benefits?
The one thing I can say is that I am lucky to have the friends and family I have. And no matter what happens - I'm still alive.
Anyway, this cake is great. It's so delicious and moist.
For at least three years in a row - as far back as I've had the need to pay attention to this problem - the state has failed to pass a budget before the deadline. I'm sure some more astute political commentator could give you all of the reasons for this, including political infighting between Blago and his rivals or disagreements on tax hikes or cuts. But ultimately, this state is broken. So many political scandals have been going on in the past few decades in Illinois that no one knows where all of our money has gone, and right now is the absolute worst time for this house of cards to come crashing down on the citizens.
Previously, the budget had only been passed due to fixes and borrowed money from other programs - similar to the borrowing of money from our federal social security program in Washington D.C. What is ultimately wrong is that Illinois lawmakers couldn't balance our budget in times of prosperity! What did they think would happen in times when money is tight?
In my head I constantly wonder, "Why on earth are we paying these congressmen and women so much to do so little?" The threat of non-reelection apparently isn't actually threatening in Illinois given what it takes to get into office (ppst - it's money and political favors).
But to be fair, it's not entirely their fault. The tax system itself isn't an effective way of raising money for the state. When the people in the system are prosperous, the government has access to more money than it probably needs. It creates programs that help the unfortunate and funds them liberally. That makes sense. Spread the wealth, and everyone is a bit better off for it - let's just put aside the fact that not all of these programs work or actually achieve anything or sometimes do more harm than good.
But what happens when times are hard? The people fall on hard times. They make less money and need those services more. However, the government makes less money (because, after all, what are taxes other than a percentage cut off the top of what you make and buy?), and the demand for services outweighs their ability to pay for these services. Programs get cut, but people need them more. Does this make any sense to you? It sure doesn't to me, and it leads me to believe one thing - the tax system is broken.
When we first created the tax system, I'm sure it made sense to tax people based on a percentage of what we make or tax us based on things we buy based on how much those things cost. That's clearly the only fair way to do it. Taxing the poor more than they can afford makes no sense, and the current system creates more revenue from those who make the most and can afford it.
But the way state legislators use all (if not more) of our tax money every year seems to set up the entire state (and country) for disaster. Would a responsible citizen plan to use its entire paycheck every month? Of course not! Every responsible budgeteer knows that you keep some aside for the things you want. When you save up your money, you can afford to spend it later on something you can't afford right now. Sometimes this takes a few months (or years in this analogy), but in the end not everything is immediately affordable - and we've all seen what traps "credit" (aka, borrowing from foreign lenders) lures us into.
Now, I know I don't know exactly how the state budget is spent every year, but wouldn't it make sense to save up portions of tax dollars during fat years to use during times like these? Does the state really need to spend all of our money all of the time? And why can't they start to work out the budget earlier in the year to iron out the kinks before the deadline looms close and tempers flare?
Maybe they're doing what they can. All I know is that honest state workers and citizens are the ones getting hurt, and these people are the ones who can afford the political infighting the least.
I, for one, am afraid to sign a new lease for August. I couldn't afford it if my job disappears in the wake of the state budget being slashed nearly in half, and the job market looks less than promising with the throngs of people applying to every job they can. And what kind of support will I get once I am jobless if the state suddenly can't afford the large numbers of people drawing on unemployment benefits?
The one thing I can say is that I am lucky to have the friends and family I have. And no matter what happens - I'm still alive.
Anyway, this cake is great. It's so delicious and moist.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Lucky Ball & Chain
So, I've never been a huge fan of weddings and the like. Part of it is the fact that there's a huge amount of controversy surrounding who gets the benefits of marriage in the current political climate. Another part is that I was once engaged when I was young and foolish (shiny rings have a way of blurring reality). However, I appear to have reached the age where many of the people I know are a) married b) engaged or c) having babies, accidentally or otherwise. I can't avoid them anymore, especially when they occur in my own family.
Fast forward two weeks and you'll see me as a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding. Appropriately, I will be in a simple black dress more suited for funerals and comfortable shoes (my feet are rejoicing). And to top it off, I will go stag. Going alone to a wedding once was a huge feau pax, but I have honestly never gone to one with a date (well, one, but I didn't even know the bride or groom at that one). I think that when you go alone, you can actually have more fun. No, I will not be trying to pick up a groomsman (most of them are younger than I am), and I will not be getting drunk and taking a second cousin home, either. I will, however, have time to catch up with my extended family and get to know my future sister-in-law's family without the extra worry of needing to entertain a date who knows none of these people.
Ultimately, my anti-wedding sentiment will slip out, though. Perhaps after the fourth or fifth glass of champagne. Those of us who are woefully single dislike watching other people weld themselves together at the hip with the glee of a bag of puppies about to be drowned in a lake. We wish them happiness, don't get us wrong, but we know better. The fun, social world of single life is lost to them, assuming they don't get divorced - which no one would wish on another human being. And we all know the statistics on how many marriages last.
I happen to be from a family still intact and I'm happy to say it's possible. I've seen the hard work they have to put into staying together, especially in rough economic times. And that is why I am still single and not looking for marriage at my age. I'm not holding out for the perfect man or the stars to align themselves into a holy union. I just don't think many people my age know how much work needs to be put into a lasting commitment, and if they do know, they sure don't want to put forth that much effort. If I'm lucky, I figure I'll stumble onto someone who understands the fact that marriage isn't a solution or a destination young relationships strive toward. Rather, marriage is a journey where two people pledge to help one another throughout their lifetimes. Maybe I'll find that. Maybe in about ten years. Maybe.
Until then, I'm not looking too hard at anything in the store windows. They might have some pretty attractive options right now, but few would be a good investment. I think I'm going to save up and buy when the market has matured, and my investment will yield higher dividends. The risk profile I see right now makes investing uninviting at best.
It probably doesn't help that my relationship stock market just crashed like the real one and with less warning. And just like the real market, there's always something safe to invest in. You just have to be smart and conservative in your choices. And, of course, you just have to get lucky sometimes.
And with that, I, Kitty~Amber face this wedding with a smile plastered on my face and will hopefully be able to squeeze out some kind of witty, but kind and thoughtful toast for the lucky couple. Cheers.
Fast forward two weeks and you'll see me as a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding. Appropriately, I will be in a simple black dress more suited for funerals and comfortable shoes (my feet are rejoicing). And to top it off, I will go stag. Going alone to a wedding once was a huge feau pax, but I have honestly never gone to one with a date (well, one, but I didn't even know the bride or groom at that one). I think that when you go alone, you can actually have more fun. No, I will not be trying to pick up a groomsman (most of them are younger than I am), and I will not be getting drunk and taking a second cousin home, either. I will, however, have time to catch up with my extended family and get to know my future sister-in-law's family without the extra worry of needing to entertain a date who knows none of these people.
Ultimately, my anti-wedding sentiment will slip out, though. Perhaps after the fourth or fifth glass of champagne. Those of us who are woefully single dislike watching other people weld themselves together at the hip with the glee of a bag of puppies about to be drowned in a lake. We wish them happiness, don't get us wrong, but we know better. The fun, social world of single life is lost to them, assuming they don't get divorced - which no one would wish on another human being. And we all know the statistics on how many marriages last.
I happen to be from a family still intact and I'm happy to say it's possible. I've seen the hard work they have to put into staying together, especially in rough economic times. And that is why I am still single and not looking for marriage at my age. I'm not holding out for the perfect man or the stars to align themselves into a holy union. I just don't think many people my age know how much work needs to be put into a lasting commitment, and if they do know, they sure don't want to put forth that much effort. If I'm lucky, I figure I'll stumble onto someone who understands the fact that marriage isn't a solution or a destination young relationships strive toward. Rather, marriage is a journey where two people pledge to help one another throughout their lifetimes. Maybe I'll find that. Maybe in about ten years. Maybe.
Until then, I'm not looking too hard at anything in the store windows. They might have some pretty attractive options right now, but few would be a good investment. I think I'm going to save up and buy when the market has matured, and my investment will yield higher dividends. The risk profile I see right now makes investing uninviting at best.
It probably doesn't help that my relationship stock market just crashed like the real one and with less warning. And just like the real market, there's always something safe to invest in. You just have to be smart and conservative in your choices. And, of course, you just have to get lucky sometimes.
And with that, I, Kitty~Amber face this wedding with a smile plastered on my face and will hopefully be able to squeeze out some kind of witty, but kind and thoughtful toast for the lucky couple. Cheers.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Skinny Love
Oh, and I should also mention that I just got out of my lifetime second long term relationship. Although the details are best left off of the internet, suffice it to say I was displeased with the result, even after giving a second chance to the guy.
That said, I've noticed several differences in the interactions of people after a breakup. I once saw it written that men tend to have wider, more impersonal relationships with friends while women have intense relationships in smaller groups. Although that is a vast generalization of trillions of people, it really shows itself in times of strife. For example, most of the men I know didn't really want to get involved in the breakup situation, especially if they were friends with the now-ex. (Note that men were fine with getting involved if they were exclusively my friend) Men, in my experience, are less likely to confront someone they know with a fault if it does not directly involve them. This would give them greater resources long-term and a better advantage later on if they were in need. Women, on the other hand, tend to form close-knit relationships. Hypothetically, if there is someone being wronged, they are more likely to confront the friend because they don't want it happening to them down the line.
Whether or not this is true, I drew this from the statement I kept hearing over and over again from the friends of Mr. Ex (exclusively of the male variety). "Well, I hope you don't expect me to agree with you because I'm going to try to be friends with both of you." Good luck, guys.
Perhaps I shouldn't be so critical. It's hard when two friends are completely enmeshed in each others' lives only to be ripped apart, creating a giant black hole in their social circle. In this case, we both went to the same high school and college. We shared over 80 facebook friends by the end of it all and probably started with around 50. So what are those 80 people to do in the midst of all the hullabaloo? Who are they supposed to invite to their parties and what are they supposed to say?
Since I was the "wronged" party, I'd like to stick up for that side. Throughout the whole ordeal, I often felt as though no one was sticking up for me, even as the friends of Mr. Ex heard what was going on (and I wasn't hearing what was going on). Who was there telling him to talk to me about the whole mess? Who was telling him he was being hasty and catastrophizing the relationship? Who was telling him to give it some time?
Honestly, his best friend told me afterward that he actually agreed with the ex. He didn't even know the whole story, just what they had heard from the ex's end. But, in order to preserve the most number of potentially useful relationships, this guy nodded his head like the flunky he was. And then tried to avoid confrontation (or interaction at all) with me, but still considered me a friend and later tried to interject friendly comments into what became a minor war-zone. Dumb hope or admirable courage? I like to think the former.
Now, I'd like to point out, for those of you who didn't realize: I am a girl. I'm not even an emotionally unstable harpy who takes every word the wrong way and holds it over your head until you die (unless you're special enough to be one of those exes). I value my friends and would fight for them until my dying breath if I consider you that close. But at what point is "friendship" just a word - someone to potentially use as an asset in the future - to guys. When does "friendship" mean that you stick up for that person in a bad situation, even if it means putting other friendships on the line? Or has the internet reduced the concept of "friend" into a button, and the person with the most collected wins?
Regardless of the answers, I had hoped that I had formed more lasting bonds with some of the people I met, regardless of gender. And sadly, if you can't see my side of things on this one, you're not my friend. In the end, I think this breakup cost me a lot, even though I did nothing to deserve it except dating a guy with self-proclaimed commitment issues.
C'est la vie.
That said, I've noticed several differences in the interactions of people after a breakup. I once saw it written that men tend to have wider, more impersonal relationships with friends while women have intense relationships in smaller groups. Although that is a vast generalization of trillions of people, it really shows itself in times of strife. For example, most of the men I know didn't really want to get involved in the breakup situation, especially if they were friends with the now-ex. (Note that men were fine with getting involved if they were exclusively my friend) Men, in my experience, are less likely to confront someone they know with a fault if it does not directly involve them. This would give them greater resources long-term and a better advantage later on if they were in need. Women, on the other hand, tend to form close-knit relationships. Hypothetically, if there is someone being wronged, they are more likely to confront the friend because they don't want it happening to them down the line.
Whether or not this is true, I drew this from the statement I kept hearing over and over again from the friends of Mr. Ex (exclusively of the male variety). "Well, I hope you don't expect me to agree with you because I'm going to try to be friends with both of you." Good luck, guys.
Perhaps I shouldn't be so critical. It's hard when two friends are completely enmeshed in each others' lives only to be ripped apart, creating a giant black hole in their social circle. In this case, we both went to the same high school and college. We shared over 80 facebook friends by the end of it all and probably started with around 50. So what are those 80 people to do in the midst of all the hullabaloo? Who are they supposed to invite to their parties and what are they supposed to say?
Since I was the "wronged" party, I'd like to stick up for that side. Throughout the whole ordeal, I often felt as though no one was sticking up for me, even as the friends of Mr. Ex heard what was going on (and I wasn't hearing what was going on). Who was there telling him to talk to me about the whole mess? Who was telling him he was being hasty and catastrophizing the relationship? Who was telling him to give it some time?
Honestly, his best friend told me afterward that he actually agreed with the ex. He didn't even know the whole story, just what they had heard from the ex's end. But, in order to preserve the most number of potentially useful relationships, this guy nodded his head like the flunky he was. And then tried to avoid confrontation (or interaction at all) with me, but still considered me a friend and later tried to interject friendly comments into what became a minor war-zone. Dumb hope or admirable courage? I like to think the former.
Now, I'd like to point out, for those of you who didn't realize: I am a girl. I'm not even an emotionally unstable harpy who takes every word the wrong way and holds it over your head until you die (unless you're special enough to be one of those exes). I value my friends and would fight for them until my dying breath if I consider you that close. But at what point is "friendship" just a word - someone to potentially use as an asset in the future - to guys. When does "friendship" mean that you stick up for that person in a bad situation, even if it means putting other friendships on the line? Or has the internet reduced the concept of "friend" into a button, and the person with the most collected wins?
Regardless of the answers, I had hoped that I had formed more lasting bonds with some of the people I met, regardless of gender. And sadly, if you can't see my side of things on this one, you're not my friend. In the end, I think this breakup cost me a lot, even though I did nothing to deserve it except dating a guy with self-proclaimed commitment issues.
C'est la vie.
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